Top 10

Top 10 from the Semester

            Learning about the relationships within families has taught me a lot about myself and a lot about my current family. I have picked out ten things that I feel are the most important things we have covered this semester. They are listed in the order that we discussed them in class.

Family boundaries- I feel this subject was incredibly important because it gives you a way to draw out your family and see where any problems lie. When you draw a family map with boundaries you get to see the interactions between different people and it really puts things into perspective. We were asked to map out our own family and it really surprised me once I started doing it to see how my family works. I believe that I will be able to use this tool in my own family because if you use it correctly, it can help you solve problems.

Gender importance- I have learned a lot about this in a few different classes this semester. I just think it’s important to remember that boys and girls are different for a reason. We shouldn’t try to change that because our gender is essential in the Plan of Happiness. We need to have different genders because if we had either all boys or all girls, things wouldn’t be able to work the way they are supposed to. The Family Proclamation clearly goes over the roles of both the mother and the father. Fathers are supposed to provide for their families unless the situation calls for the mother to work outside the home. I just think this subject is important because in today’s society, people are trying to make boys and girls the same. Well fact is, they are different and there isn’t much we can do about it.

Dating- Dating is extremely important because it helps us to find the person we are eventually going to marry. There are different things that attract us to certain people. First would probably be their looks. That’s the first thing person notices about another person. Most people are attracted to people because something about them looks familiar. That’s because they might look like one of your siblings or someone that you already know. Also, if you experience something that is full of emotions while you are with that person, you might think that you are attracted to that person when in fact you heart was just racing from the stimulation of the event. That’s important to remember when you are dating. Don’t misattribute something and think you are falling in love with someone if in reality you aren’t.

Cohabitation- This is something that is becoming more and more common in today’s society. A lot of people are choosing to live with the person they want to marry before they actually get married just to test out if the marriage will actually work out. Truth is that people who cohabit first and then get married later, have a higher divorce rate. People who date, fall in love, and then get married without living together first, have a higher chance of making the marriage last. I just think this section was really important because a lot of people are trying it these days. I even know a few people that are practicing cohabitation right now. It’s a big issue.

Marriage satisfaction- We talked about how after two people get married, everything is going great. And then they have their first child and things kind of go downhill from there. The father sometimes feels left out because the mom is spending all of her time with the baby. The more children couples have, the more time is being taken away from the husband and wife to spend together. I think this is a big thing because there is something we can do to help and even stop it. When husbands and wives involve each other and go on dates regularly, their relationship will continue to strengthen and they will be happier. This is an important thing to remember when you start to have kids and suddenly the relationship that you have with your husband isn’t what it used to be. You need to notice that and do something to help change that. This was a very beneficial section for me.

Crises- This is definitely an important topic. We talked about the fact that the outcome of an event depends in part on how you react to it. Crises can either bring a family closer together or tear a family apart. We need to remember the ABCX model and if we do, and apply it, our families can stay strong. Some crises are big and some are small. We can’t let the small things bother us and eventually ruin a family. I learned that we have a lot of resources that we can use to our benefit during the time of a crisis. They include but are not limited to: money, family members, knowledge, the gospel, peers, skills, and friends. If we use what we have, then a crisis may not end up being as bad as we thought in the beginning.

Communication- This to me is the most important one. Communication of some kind is essential in our everyday lives. I think that bad things happen in families because they don’t know how to communicate effectively. Husbands and wives need to take time to just sit down and talk with their spouse. They need to be very open and discuss things until any issues are resolved. I believe that any marriage can be successful with the right communication. Communication involves three pieces that make up the meaning of what the person is saying. There are the words, the tone of voice, and the nonverbal or body language communication. Each plays a part in helping the receiver know what is being said. Making sure you have a good communication, will help create a happy and healthy marriage and family life.

Active Parenting of Teenagers-I loved talking about this because I could directly apply it to my current life. My mom is still trying to raise teenagers and so I was able to give her some advice about it. I love learning about parenting because although every idea and suggestion may not work every time, it can still be helpful in helping you decide what the best solution is to a problem with your teenager. Active parenting is a program that helps parents to handle living with their teenagers. It gives them skills and tools that they can use to enforce rules at home and elsewhere. This is a section that I will be able to use when I have my own family and I get to the point where I am raising teenagers.

Divorce- This is a really important subject to consider because it is seen more and more in our society today. More husbands and wives are ending their marriages without any good reasons. Some do have good reasons and that is fine but I believe that most couples would be able to work out their differences if they stick together and have good communication. Divorce should not always be the answer when something goes wrong within the family. This is something important to remember when we face problems within our marriage. There is hope and we don’t have to go out and immediately file for a divorce. We can work things out and make our family life better. 

Parenting throughout life- This was the last section that we discussed but I do believe that it is incredibly important. We need to remember that kids can bring joy and they can also bring pain. It’s also important to maintain a good relationship with your spouse. Once your last child leaves home, you will have a lot of time to spend with them. To make it less of a big transition, you should continue to date your spouse even after you have children. Also make sure you spend lots of time with your kids while you can. A lot of parents find that once their children leave home, they realize that they didn’t spend as much time with them as they wanted to. We need to be with our children when they are still young and establish good relationships with them early. When parents start to get older, it is good for the kids to be able to help them out and do things for them that they can no longer do.

Divorce and Step-families

This past week we talked about divorce and becoming a part of a step family. This was an interesting subject for me because I don't have any experience with this. My parents have both only been married to each other and so this was never an issue for me. I do know that it is becoming more common now days and so we need to be aware of it and what it does to a family. I really hope that I don't have to deal with this when I get married.

Step families can be hard because that's when children get involved. The step parent needs to decide the role they are going to have in the children's lives and how they are going to handle certain things. We talked today that a step parent should have the role of a really fantastic aunt or uncle for the first few years. You need to allow the birth parent to issue the majority of the discipline. It will also take at least two years to reach any kind of normalcy. You can't expect to just jump right in and have everything go great right from the get go. These things take time and people that are entering these kinds of situations need to be aware of that.

I thought this section was interesting because I haven't personally seen any effects of this and it really opened my eyes to the reality of it. We read a story about a family and the struggles that they went through after a divorce. A husband and wife had been married for a few years and they had two children, a boy and a girl. To just summarize the story, some things happened and they ended up getting divorced. The wife was living with her mother raising the children and the ex-husband got remarried. The children were having a hard time deciding who to live with because both "families" wanted them. It just created all sorts of problems. I really hope that nothing like this happens to me or anyone in my family.

We need to try our best to marry the right person the first time. I know that things happen but unless one of the partners is being abused or neglected, I think they should try and work out their differences whenever possible.

Active Parenting

This last week we talked about how to be active parents of teenagers. It really opened my eyes to how challenging it can be to be the parent of a teenager. Everything needs to be thought through but if you do it right, everyone benefits. I really liked watching the videos on active parenting because it gave real life examples and helped you to see what could really happen and how a parent could really respond. It helped me notice things that my parents did and did not do that have made me the person that I am today.

I really think it's important especially when raising teenagers, to actually listen to your child and respond to their needs. Stop trying to focus on what you as the parent want and really listen and talk about things with your teenager.

This lesson is one that I want to remember forever so that when I have my own teenagers I can look back and remember what I learned during this week. I do think it will be helpful for me in the future.

Thanksgiving Break

So I am writing this one early and it's just because this week is Thanksgiving Break. That doesn't mean that I haven't learned anything. Today we talked about the effects of mothers working. We discussed the positives and negatives of it. I myself am not a supporter of mothers working outside the home. I believe that the main job of a mother is to stay home and take care of her children whenever possible.

I also read an article on if mothers are swapping their minds for a mop if they do decide to stay home. I don't think so because you still need to know things so that you can help your children learn and grow. If a woman does have the desire to further her education, but she still wants to stay at home to raise her children, she can take online classes, do night classes, listen to books on tape, join a book club, or many other things.

I read another article on family work and why it's important to work together as a family on things. It is because when children see mothers and fathers working together, it helps them to feel safe at home and know that their parents love each other. It's also important to include the children in helping with work around the house because it teaches them responsibility and hard work.

The last thing that we read was a pamphlet on managing money and staying out of debt. I really liked it because it lists several specific steps that you can follow in order to get out and stay out of debt. I think that I am going to use it when I have my own family so that we can stay out of debt and not have to worry about that.

Well, that's it for now. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Cmuiain

So the title may not make sense right now, and that's because it's not supposed to.

Every time something is said, three things are combined to make up the meaning of it. They are the words, the tone, and the nonverbal communication or body language. Only about 14% of the meaning comes from the words alone, 35% comes from the tone and about 51% comes from the nonverbal. Try it! Try saying something happy while scowling and shaking a fist and see which emotion someone believes. It will most likely be your body language. You can try different combinations of them as well. Anyway, this idea about the percentages in meaning is really important when you consider how most people communicate these days. It is usually through texting, Facebook, online blogging such as this, letters, emails, and other types or written or typed communication. What might be the problem with this? Only 14% of the desired meaning is reaching your reader because they can neither hear you nor see you. People can get into all kind of trouble when someone takes something the wrong way when it is being read. Please be careful.

Another thing we talked about is something known as the feedback loop. This looks something like this: 

Each person has to decode the message based on what they think it means. That is a really important thing to keep in mind. 



When two people have a conflict and they are engaged in an argument, they need to make sure that their words, their tone, and their body language, all match the meaning they are trying to give. You need to be able to talk about it and really understand what the other person is saying. There are several ways to solve a problem but three main ones are: collaboration, compromise, and force. These are categorized as collaboration being celestial, meaning it draws the couple closer to each other and to the Lord; compromise is terrestrial meaning that neither one will be completely satisfied with the arrangement because they had to give up something that they wanted; force is telestial because one person is just forcing their opinion on the other person and making the decision for them. You can probably guess which one is the best option.

As part of the last section for this unit, we talked about councils in the church and how they make decisions. Each meeting of the first presidency with the quorum of the twelve apostles follows a pattern. They come and talk with one another offering love and support. They ask each other about their family, and other things going on in their life. Then they have a prayer to invite the spirit to be with them. They begin and review any subjects that need to be discussed. They debate about it and then they take a vote. If even one person disagrees with what they are talking about, then they will remain undecided and come back to it at a later meeting. Everyone has to be in tune with the Spirit and be able to say exactly what they feel they need to. They have to come to a consensus. After their business is over, they close with a prayer and then they enjoy some kind of refreshments. They begin the meeting with a feeling of love, and they end the meeting with a feeling of love. This is how every council should be, even within our own families.

Family councils can be extremely important to the functioning of the family. For it to be considered a council, there need to be at least two people engaged in the conversation. A family council can even just be between a husband and a wife, a mother and daughter, a father and son, a mother and son, or a father and daughter. You can even have an extended family council if the need arises. These don't need to occur in a formal setting, but you do need to feel like you are able to contribute freely and not feel looked down upon. A spirit of love should be maintained throughout the council even when the people are in a disagreement with one another. Family councils can be a great time to bond with family members and listen to their ideas and their input on issues related to their family. They can be very beneficial and you might end up with a solution to a problem that you had never thought possible until  you talked to someone and got other ideas about it.

In the end, I think that communication is one of the most important things in this world. Everyone needs to have some way to communicate. When we engage in a conversation, we need to pay special attention to not only the words, but also the tone, and the body language of the person speaking.
Does the title make sense now? When you only have the words, the meaning may not make sense. I was generous enough to give you 50% instead of just 14. You're welcome. 
Also make sure you council with other people about problems instead of trying to handle them on your own. You never know what might happen.
HaPpY ThAnKsGiViNg EvErYoNe!! :)

Crises

This past week has been the hardest for me. It's not that what we were learning was hard stuff, it's just that it's hard stuff to think about. We learned about crises that come up in family life and in your marriage. We took experiences from our own life and applied the ABCX model to them. The ABCX model is

Actual Event

 +Both Resources and Response

+Cognitions

----------------------------------------------------

=total eXperience

You determine what the outcome of a crisis is going to be. You can take the event and react to it badly and then the whole thing will just turn out bad. Or you can reverse that process and react to it positively and it will turn out for the better. 

There are several resources that we have that can help us to cope with stressors. They include but are not limited to:

Money

Family Members

Knowledge

The Gospel

Peers

Skills

Friends

If you combine some of them and use them to your advantage, you are more likely to come out on top of the situation depending on what it is. 

In the end, I learned a lot about how to deal with problems that can come up in a family. Attitude is everything.

Weird Week

This week has been an interesting one because we only had class on Monday. Brother Williams (my teacher) had to go to a conference and so we just read things online. We learned about sexuality and the importance of staying faithful to your spouse. We also talked about the need for having someone that you can rely on and trust. Women especially need to feel safe before they are comfortable having sex with a man.

One of the articles that we read was on being friends with members of the opposite gender after you are married. That is not a problem as long as nothing comes of it. If you start spending time alone with a member of the opposite gender, chances are that something will happen. If you love your spouse enough, you won’t even be tempted to do something like that. You have to set your own boundaries.

That’s really all I have because we couldn’t discuss anything in class. I’m sorry this is so short. Tune in next time.